The first time I had even considered death, was in 1995 (I was 15) when my maternal grandfather past away. I remember that my mother took it quite badly; as is expected. I had never met my grandfather, but still felt like I had lost something, and wished with every fibre of my being that I had met him.
A few months later, my paternal grandmother past away. I had never seen my father cry up until this time. Again, I had never met my grandmother; my first ever trip to lebanon was in 1998, after both sets of grandparents had passed on. This to me is very sad; especially because I had heard so many stories about them from my parents, and had seen so many photo's, but had never had the opportunity to meet them myself.
Within the past 2 years, my maternal Uncle past away, my maternal Aunt's husband, as did 4 of my first cousins; people I had met and grown to love. On my last trip to Lebanon I noticed their absence and I was hit hard with the sadness.
One of my cousins in particular really affected me. I spent a fair bit of time with her a few months before her death, sitting with her mother and sisters in the hospital when the worst of her sickness hit. She held my hand and cried and told me not to wait to wear the hijab and be one with Allah, because there will come a moment when I will be facing the end and I will regret things. She told me not to leave room for regret. Do everything now.
Her body raged with fevers and her skin felt like it was on fire. She was barely a shadow of the woman she had been at my engagement party, a few years before. At that time she had grabbed my hand and danced with me, wishing me the best life I could possibly have. And at the end she was holding my hand, crying with me, wishing me the best life and afterlife that I could possibly have.
She played a very major role in my decision to wear the hijab. Her mother (my aunt) talks about her like she is still alive, like her bubbly laugh and sweet nature never left. And it breaks my heart to pieces knowing that my aunt is unable to share this burden with her husband, who not too long ago also past away.
This all leads me to a point in my life when I felt something was missing. I purchased self-help books and took up a form of meditation. I spent a lot of time sitting outside and staring up into the heavens, begging with my soul for something. Something.
And one day I picked up the Quran; sitting on the top shelf in the study, not touched in a long time. I picked it up and realised that all the self-help tips are in there. If the soul is in turmoil, there is no way that one can have any peace. If the soul cries, there is nothing left. The soul is the only thing that we take with us and out of this world. The only thing. And if that is black, what hope is there?
I realised that meditiating with no real purpose, is useless. Sitting around, concentrating on my breathing and staring into the sky was really not going to get me anywhere. My mind would not settle. It kept wondering and asking, not reaching any conclusions.
But prayer had a purpose. A greater purpose. I was conversing with my God. In prayer I would come to learn many things. I would have many moments where things would become so clear to me. I would feel rejuvenated and relaxed. I would feel like God was really hearing me.
How could I have searched and searched for something that really was under my nose all that time? How could I have lost my way from something so pure and real?
We will all die. It is fate. Most of us will grow old and grey. Some of us won't. We don't know when, but it will happen. I don't say this in a sombre way; in a frightened way. It is just fact. When I tell myself this, I always have to stop what I am doing and really think about that. Really stop and think about what this all means.
And like everyone in the world, I am lead to the question of 'why?'. Why must we be on this earth, create attatchments with people, and then leave them to deal with their loss? And then where do we go? What happens? Do we get to see our loved ones again? Will I forever miss my children?
Will I get to see my grandparents?
And then real life takes over; a nappy to change, a meal to cook, tears to kiss away. I forget that this world is just the beginning. I forget that there is a greater purpose and a Greater Power. I forget that one day, one day, my soul will be the one to answer for me. I forget that I will leave everything behind, and only then will I realise how very important it was to have fed my soul.
For the soul needs sustenance, more than the physical does. It is the first thing we came into the world with, and it will be the only thing we leave the world with.
